My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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