Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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