Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i permit you to call me
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
