After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
