She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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