I'm lost and stupid without you.
it hurts more in the daytime
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
