I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
