I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
