my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
