i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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