You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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