That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
