i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
My vagina is very pro this idea
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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