my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
