just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
