Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
