That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
