I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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