I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
