bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
