So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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