just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
