First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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