Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
