I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
We talked him into tasing himself.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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