There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
