please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
