I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
