I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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