all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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