Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
