My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
