Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Randomize
