I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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