first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
