Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
