we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Randomize
