The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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