Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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