I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
