I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
