fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
