just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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