did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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