This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
