So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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