just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
