can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
