i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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