Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
