I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Randomize
